Wake up call

Wow. Had one of my appointments with my mimhs physchiatrist yesterday. Mimhs is mother and infant mental health service. An awesome and life saving service provided by the NHS. Sadly my appointment came with some bad news, and a huge wake up call. Sorry if this is a bit ranty.

The sad news first. My wonderful care cordinator who’ve I’ve seen almost continuously since my diagnosis, so around 10 years, has left. I was not told she would be leaving (I hadn’t actually seen her recently, so she didn’t forget to tell me in person!) and as of yet it appears I have not been assigned a new one. I came home and had a really good cry about her leaving. She was so supportive and had so many amazing tips and techniques to help keep me well. The thought of having to start up a relationship with a new care coordinator makes me feel a bit sick. It takes professional people a while to ‘get’ me. I can walk in smiling my head off and be chatty and seem happy, when in reality I’m in the throes of depression and self harming and suicidal thoughts. Or I may seem slightly hyper, but really I’m bouncing off the insides of my brain, and seeing gargoyles in the corner of the room! My care coordinator knew this, and trusted when I told her how I was feeling and what was happening, regardless of whether I looked like it or not. She’d been there for my relapses after misscarrying 3 times. The pregnancy and birth of my daughter. And provided invaluable support to my mental health. The fact that she has moved to another team at this point in my life, when I’m pregnant again, at my highest risk and feeling incredibly overwhelmed and vulnerable is really difficult and saddening for me. Having to see someone new and to explain these things again to is scary, even more so being where I am now. I can only hope that they are as personable and as good at their job as she was. 

The fact that I had not been told about her leaving, annoyed my mimhs pyschiatrist. I should have at least received a letter to notify me. Alongside not being assigned anyone new was worrying. 

And here’s the wake up call. 

I am her highest risk type of patient. Bipolar with a history of relapse after miscarriage (puts me at higher risk of one after birth). And now I don’t have a care coordinator to see on a regular basis. I never thought of myself as that high risk. That was a WAKE UP call. We then moved on to discuss why my ideal med plan was a bad idea. I wanted to be med free until after I’d given birth. Not a good idea as I am HIGH RISK. We reached a compromise, I can become med free gradually over the next 3-4 weeks and then go back on them a few weeks before delivery. Or sooner if things don’t go well! To be repeatedly told how high risk I am was a shocker. It shouldn’t have been. I know the facts. I was just so hoping to be medication free longer then I realistically and safely can be. It was a wake up call I didn’t really fancy hearing, I was happy in my ideal pretend world. And yesterday that got smashed with realism. 

Bad day. 

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