I am aware that I’ve been away for a few weeks! Here’s why:
It’s happened again.
It could be amazing.
It could be heartbreak all over again.
After writing Just the one in January, about my recurrent miscarriage experience and now being happy with and only wanting ‘just’ the one child, those 2 lines showed up on a test. I’m pregnant. Again. For the 6th time.
Oh fuck I don’t know. I don’t know.
It’s a lot of feelings to have at once. The fear, the terror, the dread, the hope, the cautious joy and excitement that grows a little each week. I have to keep a lid on that somewhat, I have to stay realistic.
It makes me sad that I have never experienced the usual feelings of excitement and nerves that come with a wanted pregnancy. It’s always been dominated by worry and anticipating the ‘enevitable’ loss.
I am keeping my fingers crossed the medications work to keep this little one put. I hope it works. I don’t know if I can go through another loss. Well, I know I could. I’m sadly a bit of a pro at this. It would be horrible and depressing and just awful. But I’d live, we’d survive, and we’d appreciate our daughter a little bit more, if that’s even possible. I just don’t want to go through it again.