With today being Valentines Day, and reading many valentines themed posts, it made me think a little about me and my husband, how our relationship grew, and how dating has changed since we were!
A friend of mine recently tried to sign up to a well known dating website. One that matches you with compatible partners. In her words she ‘broke the website. Twice.’ There was no one on there who was a match to her. Seriously? This is a fun loving, quirky, caring, amazing individual. How is there no match?!?
This did make me think. Where is the joy in only dating and meeting people who are similar and therefore compatible to you? Surely different is good? Ok, I know, there are certain things you need to be compatible in. But different personality traits are good, yes? In this modern age of dating – I know I’m not experiencing it for myself – but a lot of it seems to be based on what the other person looks like. There is more to attraction then just how someone looks in a photo.
I think if me and my husband were looking for love on a dating site now, we wouldn’t be matched. Even if we weirdly were, I don’t think I’d even have clicked to read more.
When we first met, it was as friends. I wasn’t looking for anything more. I was in a relationship, all be it a relationship that was volatile and fast going down the drain. I liked my now hubby. He was funny, slightly awkward and nice to me. I genuinely didn’t think about it going anywhere other then friends. When my previous relationship ended he was so nice to me, and with my generally bad experience of men, I began to question it. I confronted him via email about why he was being so nice. I can remember there were 3 possible reasons, one of which was he must ‘only want to fuck me’. Wow. Somewhat bigheaded. But sad and scary that that was all I thought I was worth. Turned out that he did want to, but in a nicer way then what I had in mind! This threw me. Totally floored me. To me it was out of the blue. Utterly. He liked me, not just for my body, but me, as a person! He didn’t view my body as a commodity. My husband is gorgeous to look at, I don’t think anyone would disagree with me. But he wasn’t ‘my type’, he wasn’t tall enough, he’s a fair bit older then me, he didn’t have curly hair! I didn’t have that initial sexual attraction. But in the moment I thought, he’s good looking, he’s really sweet, and he likes me as a person, and as my dad told me ‘he’s smitten with you!’ It all just organically grew from there. Now I’m not saying this would be the case for everyone or every potential relationship, but surely sometimes it’s worth a shot? It was one of my best decisions ever.
My point there is, if he had just been a photo, I would have swiped whichever way you swipe for no! Or on a website of potential matches I would have just clicked onto the next. All because he didn’t fit into my usual type.
Then we have the personality stuff:
- He outwardly appears organised (not so much when you get to know him!). I’m incredibly disorganised, forever forgetting where I’ve put things, always late and quite messy.
- He’s incredibly logical. Yeah me not so much.
- He is academic and really good with numbers and not a creative person. I’m not stupid, but I’m dyslexic and struggle with that but I’m fairly arty and creative and good at DIY.
- He doesn’t read people/emotions too well. I empathise with people, and I probably think/worry about how people feel too much! I’m really sensitive.
- He has an amazing ability to not worry or stress, almost all of the time. I worry about situations that might not even happen and I can jump to the worst possible conclusion in one swift leap.
- He seems unemotional, I think as a typical boarding school boy, he doesn’t express his feelings and has been squashing them down for years! I feel a lot, I may not always share my feelings, but I know what they are!
- He likes to organise activities and days, I much prefer to be a more spontaneous and see where things take us.
- He has a calm and steady energy. Mine is varied and a bit more chaotic.
- We are similar in some respects: we are both independent people, we don’t like a fuss, we like being outside, we’re hard workers.
Essentially he is all about the brain, I’m all about the body and heart! So would a website ever have matched us?
We are opposites in so many ways and I love this. Yes it can be difficult, I find it hard that he doesn’t compliment me or ‘perform’ many displays of affection, frustrating that he can dawdle along without worrying, I can’t hold hugely intellectual conversations with him. But it’s great, he brings me stability, he’s my calm, he encourages me to be more engaged in what is going on in the world. I bring him emotional awareness and a completely different viewpoint on situations. I bring him love, demonstrative love, which he has not had much of, he brings me unfaltering grounding love. I learn so much from him, he knows so much about so many things, anything from complicated maths and scientific theories to superheroes! I’m sure that he learns from me too, what though I’m not too sure! We make each other laugh. I think we encourage each other to be better as people. But most importantly we fit.
I know I am so loved even though he doesn’t voice it. And he knows he is too (I voice it a lot!)
I am so happy and thankful we ended up together. It has changed my life in so many amazing ways I couldn’t have dreamt of 9 years ago. But if someone had described him to me as a possible date back then I would have said no. Which is ridiculous. Why? Because he wasn’t my type?! Sexual attraction isn’t always an instant thing. Maybe that’s why you hear of so many people falling in love with a friend. It can just grow as you get to know a person.
I think sometimes we need to push outside of our comfort zones and we could be surprised in the best of ways. I was! We don’t have to be with someone the same as us for things to work, differences can challenge you in a good way, encourage you to grow and compliment each other. Sometimes the photo isn’t everything. I think we and these websites/apps would be good to remember that.