I hate having to be ever observant, ever panicking. Am I having a really good day? Or am I going manic? Am I just sad and miserable and tired? Or am I sinking into depression? Or when I think I’m ok and a family member pulls me aside and asks if I’m actually ok? ‘You seem a little too happy’ ‘you seem a bit quiet’ ‘you look tired, is everything ok?’ always analysing, I can never just be sad or shattered or having a super day, without worrying someone else or myself. When I got diagnosed I thought I’d just take meds and not worry about it. Wrong. Even when meds are going well and keeping me stable, I’m still vigilant, my family are still watching me, things could change at any time, meds lower the risk but they don’t take it away completely. Throw in the stable on meds denial phase and it can go very wrong very quickly.
For the last 2 years I have had extreme ups and downs. I’m exhausted. And it’s not finished yet.
I’m worried about the future. I have been medicated for the whole time (all but one mad month or so) in the last 2 years, but the meds weren’t working, they kept tweaking them, upping them and adding new ones to the mix. Ultimately when I was in a window of being relatively level they’ve been completely changed. I know the dosage isn’t right yet, but I’m worried they aren’t working. I’m slipping further and further down. Again.
I don’t know if I can do this again. Let alone the rest of my life.
How can I do this to my family again?
If meds aren’t working any more, how can I live? Anything can trigger an episode. I know what’s started this one, something that I should feel sad about, it should be hard, but it shouldn’t be that hard. It shouldn’t send me spiralling into the waking nightmare that depression is. I can feel it sinking in. My bones hurt. I have no energy. I’m crying a lot. It’s hard to move, to breathe, it’s like there’s something heavy sitting on me, slowly crushing me. The familiar thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and self loathing are returning. I’m a bad mom, a bad wife. I should just leave – she’d be better off just with her dad, I’m going to mess her up. My whole family would be less stressed and better off if I just disappeared. I can’t do this. The list goes on and on. My sane brain is still hanging in there, I’m hanging onto it, it’s telling me I’m wrong, it knows I’m wrong. But how long till it gets pushed away? How long till it’s drowned out? How long do I have before the pain and numbness is all that’s there?
Maybe I won’t drop as low as I could. Maybe it will stay at a more manageable level. I’ll do everything in my power to stop it. But sometimes it doesn’t matter, it will happen regardless, despite my best efforts. Despite fighting to stay upright. I have no power over this. It’s scares me. But I’m hoping. I see my gp next week and my psychiatrist the week after. Just have to keep it at bay till then. One day at a time.
Christmas is coming, I don’t want to be ill. I don’t want to be psychotic again. I want some time off. I’d like to be ‘normal’ just for the next month. Please. I need the time out. I’m exhausted.